Stuck

I seem to be stuck.

I haven't had much to say in several days.

I've been feeling scared, depressed, disoriented, and just wishing to be dead.

I also seem to have lost my focus on ... this process. Whatever it might be called.

I've gone back to the place where I'm scared of what will happen, feeling completely unaccepting of what is, and thinking I should do something.

Pretty distressing. It feels like I've gone back to the first step and nothing I worked through in the last several months matters in any way.

What the hell!!!! am I just walking around in circles?!!!

OK, back to step number one; what is true? Or more appropriately for this stage, what do I think is true? What the illusions that I'm treating as truths and are driving my behavior and my feelings?

I know I will die. But my fear of death is coming out in a lot of ways these days. I'm afraid of death because I don't want to die. That means I have not accepted death. I might even think I could cheat it indefinitely. Pure falsehood, of course. But there is a part of me that has not gotten the message. And it's afraid of death and trying to do something about it. And I identify with this part a lot lately. And I forget that death is truth.

Also, I totally forgot about releasing the tiller. I think I should be at the controls. I should get back to steering the ship. But when I think that, I feel the protest against it in my body. I would rather die than have to struggle to do anything. I've struggled and exerted myself all of my life. All I got out of it is struggle and exertion. That is no way to live. I'd rather die.