Releasing the tiller

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I know how to do this.

All I know is I want to stop living in lies. Everything seems like a lie right now. I never had anything. I never did anything. I am not anything.

And I've spent most of my life convinced that I have things. That I've done things. That I am something.

But the impermanence of all of those things that I deceived myself with is very clear. And it is clear that whatever I am, I am not any of the things I thought I was at one point or another.

I don't know what I am. I'm not sure I can know. What bothers me is all the false things I thought I was.

That's what I want to stop. And what I don't know how to go about.

So, this is my prayer. And my desire. I want to let go. I want it to stop. I want to die. I don't know what else to do but pray to be released from this state. And pray to accept whatever comes.