No Safety

My choice continues to be whether to come back to logic and reason and do what someone in my position should do or continue on this seemingly insane suicide spiral that I'm riding down into...where? hell? heaven? freedom? despair? I don't really know.

The problem is I can't. I just can't. I can't run back to the false safety of hiding under my my life blanket that created with beliefs and fears and attachments. The only thing that is going for it now is familiarity. Otherwise, it is clear that it offers no safety whatsoever. In fact, it probably makes me unsafe (to continue with the metaphor) by lulling me into thinking I'm protected while my armor is made of nothing but illusions.

But so are my fears. I get moments of clarity where I see that my fears are also made of nothing but illusion. However, those are just moments that come and go. The rest of the time, they seem more real than anything else in my life.

Death seems to be the only thing capable of changing that equation for me. The moments when I surrender into dying, most of those fears go away. Not completely which probably means that I'm not surrendering to death completely either. But I get a taste.

The real fear at the core of all of this is the price I have to pay to have these fears disappear and never come back. The price is everything. I don't think I can pick and choose. Everything else must go with the fears. Notions of love, friendship, community, family, Allah... you name it. All the things that I identify with and see as parts of me that I like will also have to go.

I don't know if I can let them go. Or how. they are such fundamental parts of me that if they were gone, there would be no me left. I'm pretty sure that's the answer. I just don't know it yet.