Stuck

I seem to be stuck.

I haven't had much to say in several days.

I've been feeling scared, depressed, disoriented, and just wishing to be dead.

I also seem to have lost my focus on ... this process. Whatever it might be called.

I've gone back to the place where I'm scared of what will happen, feeling completely unaccepting of what is, and thinking I should do something.

Pretty distressing. It feels like I've gone back to the first step and nothing I worked through in the last several months matters in any way.

What the hell!!!! am I just walking around in circles?!!!

OK, back to step number one; what is true? Or more appropriately for this stage, what do I think is true? What the illusions that I'm treating as truths and are driving my behavior and my feelings?

I know I will die. But my fear of death is coming out in a lot of ways these days. I'm afraid of death because I don't want to die. That means I have not accepted death. I might even think I could cheat it indefinitely. Pure falsehood, of course. But there is a part of me that has not gotten the message. And it's afraid of death and trying to do something about it. And I identify with this part a lot lately. And I forget that death is truth.

Also, I totally forgot about releasing the tiller. I think I should be at the controls. I should get back to steering the ship. But when I think that, I feel the protest against it in my body. I would rather die than have to struggle to do anything. I've struggled and exerted myself all of my life. All I got out of it is struggle and exertion. That is no way to live. I'd rather die.

Doing what I had to do

I left my job.

I'm relieved. For the most part.

My mind thinks I should be scared. I feel a little scared. Not as much as the voice in my head says I should be.

I deliberately walked off the cliff edge.

On several fronts over the last several months.

Lucid as I plunge into free-fall.

Neither happy nor sad.

Just doing what I had to do.

Awaken to Death. EOM.

Why shouldn't I kill myself right now?

Why am I still alive?

Or as I asked myself many months ago; why do I keep on living?

I've been through this cycle enough times already. The cycle of fear and hope which both sum up to illusion/delusion. So, why am I still alive? I know how this movie ends. I'm tired of watching it. I'm tired of being a spectator too. In my own life.

I want to see what real life looks like. The only thing that seems real in life right now is death. So, I want to see death.

Death changed my life when my dad died. It became the thing that gave life meaning. Or showed me that it's meaningless. Same thing. Then I went back into my coma where I fooled myself into believing that life means family, career, money, sex, friends, fun, service, compassion, ... Blah, blah, blah.

I've been disabused of those notions pretty thoroughly in the last few years. Especially over the last few months. Now, life has lost most, if not all, illusions that gave it meaning. But I have not arrived at the core yet. I don't yet really know the meaninglessness of it. I still go into this narcotized state where I think this gain or that loss means something about life. And I still don't know death.

I want to know death.

Suicide

They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.

-- Arthur Schopenhauer

The meaning of life

Death. That's what gives life meaning. And the meaning is nothing.

I arrived at this realization the hard way. When I was 28. When my dad died.

Then I stopped. I tried to give my life meaning. And all I ended up doing was create walls to imprison me. Somehow, my death returned to being a hypothetical event. Something that will happen in the distant future. And my life started to take on meaning all by itself. Not sure how it happened.

Meaning = fear.

Meaningless = freedom.

Food for worms. Kings and paupers alike. And me.

This question of what if I were to die tomorrow is bullshit. I could die this afternoon. Tonight. This minute. How does one forget that?

I will die. How is it that I can go through most of my life forgetting this basic fact? In fact, it's the only thing that I know to be true. Everything else is conjecture at best.

I will die. So what? So why am I living, worrying, doing as if I will live forever? Why is there so much disparity between what I know is true and my actions?

Not really sure how to answer that.

The point is go further. To move past any obstacles, not make a study of obstruction.

So, the real question is the same question. Knowing that I'm about to die, what should I be doing?

It's interesting that the only thing comes to mind is to make a will to leave my possessions to my mother. This is the only answer that has come up for me repeatedly. Nothing else comes up.

Beyond that, I just want my freedom. I want to be released from this life. From its hold me. From thinking that it's valuable or that I should make something of it, or ...

Nothing matters. The more I make peace with that, the more at peace I will be.

If you were to die tomorrow...

Simple question. Asked it of myself numerous times before. Don't know why I stopped asking. It's come back in a big way.

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you be doing today? And why the hell aren't you doing it?!